What this day means to me

I intended to post something else today, but then this special day arrived. So let me talk about it.

I completed one year at my work today. We came to Bangalore last year on 1st March and I started work on 12th March.

I was extra happy today, even planned on distributing chocolates in my office till I actually went ahead to buy some and saw the packets and realised how childish it may look, like school-time birthdays when we would distribute sweets in our class!

I wonder when do we actually start slotting things as child-like and adult-like. Because clearly none of the adult-like things I do give me as much happiness. Still we are so proud when we behave as adults. I think it is a game of perception. Anyways, I settled with going out for dinner with friends and celebrating.

My work anniversary mark one year of my getting-shit-together journey too. The better word for it is personal finance journey, but today I want to stay honest. This day is a huge deal for me for a lot of reasons.

In December 2016, I vowed to never work for anyone ever again, I was never going to do a job. This day, a year ago, taught me the reality of ‘never say never’.

In December 2017, I was in my worst phase ever and had concluded that I was doomed, there is no going back from here. This day, a year ago, taught me to never lose hope.

This day, a year ago, we had to give the deposit for our new home and we fell short of Rs 20,000. My friend pitched in and it was the first time in my life I asked for money and that too 20k. I mean it’s not like you fall short of lakhs and then you can ask respectfully that “you know it’s a huge amount and I don’t have it, can you help?” We fell short of 20,000. It is one feeling I will never forget.

A year ago, we had no money to buy any furniture for the house. I had to actually take an advance from the company to set up my place, to make it liveable. Going through asking for money one after the other, it grounded me like nothing else ever did.

Just twelve days before me, my husband started his job. And for the first time I realised how you can be happy and sad at the same time. How you can be torn between wanting something and yet not liking it that much, but you still want it. The first day he went for the job, all I kept thinking was what he must be feeling. Because I know he had also vowed to never do a job again.

Overall, things were pretty screwed up and therefore a need to get our shit together. And today I celebrated the fact that shit is a little less scattered than before. That I can breathe and it does not feel heavy anymore. That I finally have a job and a workplace and colleagues who I value and that head is in a better place. That even though I do have a feeling of terrible loss over my now closed-down business, I have a job that I can celebrate and take pride in. That I am surrounded by people who inspire me. And as a bonus, I have two of my dearest-est friends closer to me now! And their spouses come free free free!

And I celebrated all this today, while knowing in my heart — from experience or caution, I can’t guess — that this may also not last forever. Therefore, I try to not prolong my sadness or happiness. I neither over-grieve nor over-celebrate now.

But that is what I have learned and I use it to my advantage. In a way, I get to be a child and an adult at the same time.

And not bad I must say, it let me have my favourite noodles and cold coffee on a weekday!

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